I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
accurate
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb