You Might Also Like
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.