[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.