HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car