Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
how long have you had this for?