If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*