Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?