How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You Might Also Like
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher