Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Finally
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder