Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.