“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?