I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving