once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada