[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious