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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”