hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.