[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.