I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If I ignore life will it go away?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Never be a pizza!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.