“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Thrilling chase underway
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.