Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
me doing my best
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”