Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Always the camel, never the toe.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper