I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…