wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras