[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.