The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
You Might Also Like
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
#StillHurts
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.