Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
This one’s “Alex”.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.