hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
we all know this pain all too well
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
WHY would you be happy about this?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.