Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You Might Also Like
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
For the baby who has everything