After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
You Might Also Like
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
no
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.