the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.