[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
drew a comic about my origin story
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.