Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Ken is short for chicken
Wanna get rich?
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
🤣😂
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.