Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog