[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.