Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.