10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.