Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down