so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.