Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me