Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You Might Also Like
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?