An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
This could be us but you eatin’
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas