Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.