Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.