Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.