As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”