Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Same pineapple, same
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory