please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!