Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?