What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
They’re not wrong
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’