me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.